Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize