and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
