When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
