I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
