Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
