"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Bring me that man meat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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