he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
