I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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