I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
