But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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