just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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