I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
