I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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