my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
