When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
