I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
