upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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