I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
