Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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