So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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