You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
