Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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