Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
