Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
