can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
