There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
