my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
