What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
