I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
