I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
