Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
