shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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