I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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