this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
