wrigley field is MILF paradise
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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