I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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