I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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