I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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