Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
