Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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