Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
