We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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