The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
