Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize