i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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