I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's shark week go big or go home
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
