The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
