she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
