my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
