i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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