I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
