i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
