The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
