I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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