It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
