I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
