when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
