I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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