so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
