I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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