Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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