you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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