sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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