The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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