just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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