If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
