Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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